Coming Down

It seems no matter how great things can seem to be going nothing is meant to be perfect.

The first week of school I've spent getting completely immersed in campus life and extracurricular activites - to those of you that know me this is no surprise - volleyball, ultimate frisbee, tennis, choir, X-country, track, yoga, game rallies etc.

I spent two whole weeks playing volleyball with the Huskies, enduring one cut after another, until the last day...when my time finally came. The last bloody person cut from the team - it's true how false hope makes it worse when things finally take a turn for the worse. I'd been improving immensely, mostly due to not ever having a proper coach before, and having an impact in the play, getting to know the other guys and generally fitting in. Kicked everyone's butt on the physical testing portion at least. But in the back of my head, I knew as a 6'2" guy 6 years removed from high school, I either had to be a little better or a little taller to be considered a real threat on this team. Credit to Coach Gavlas for thinking I had enough talent to make it this far at least. Didn't help that after two weeks of sun and heat it suddenly turned bitterly cold and soggy.

The house is still great though, and the roomies awesome - Jay and I definitely have to clean our basement the hell up though, we have a mountain of dishes spilt all over the kitchen. Made pizza for everyone last night and it was more understated than I'd intended - the event rather than the pizza, though the latter was also slightly subpar by my standards due to the shitty foil pans I'd purchased - remind me not to be a culinary cheapskate. Our bloody bitchy cat is driving me up the wall - it hisses at you and takes a swipe without rhyme or reason.

I really have to catch myself before I get too slack with school before it even truly gets going. Already slept through two Tuesday classes, really I've been exhausted because of volleyball so I guess that'll even out now that that's over. Everything's just so easy at this point that I feel like I can't be bothered. Then of course some random requirement springs out like this thing we have tomorrow organizing our volunteer experiential placements for the year. Then it's off to the Greystone Singers retreat..

Speaking of which, I got in, which I have to admit (modestly 8-) I would have been surprised not to get into GS Singers, but singing Baritone? It's all about Bass II baby - I sent an email to Dr. Langner and he said he'd consider letting me switch - it's an issue of balance of course but frankly I can't imagine there's more than 2 or 3 if any of the guys with a lower range than me. The group as a whole though is excellent, and the guys and girls both are super competent - I just hope during the retreat we get time to meet each other properly and develop some side group projects - I was looking forward to something new with these guys as opposed to the wonderful Debbie Cairns with her unfortunately stodgy repertoire - but this really seems more of the same. We have a whole bloody year of Handel's Messiah, perhaps my LEAST favorite piece of music ever composed (Archer's Red River excluded). It's so gratuitously ubiquitous, couldn't there be anything more original? I dislike power dichotomy between choir director and chorister - we need more input as we're the ones who're actually singing everything.

Talking with Kyle tonight I tried to hone in on why I've been so morose the past couple of days after being so kipper to start the year off. Primarily it has to do with Travis's death, and not having any idea how to deal with it, what I should be feeling or worst of all, the utter futility of whateverit is I feel as I never even got to be a part of poor guy's life before some dipshit hit him with a car. He was far too wonderful a person to comprehend this, and fate continues to stymie any chance I ever have of developing a serious relationship. Alan, Kyle, Piotr, Steve, Travis, every decent guy I have ever met has never been more than a fleeting moment of happiness, confounded by circumstance (or in the case of Alan I was moving away by the time we got truly close). It takes so much energy to maintain a strong friendship, not only when you're thousands of miles of apart, but when you don't have the solid backing of having spent real quality time together in the first place. But fuck - no one's supposed to die before you even get a chance to be with them.

Incredibly cruel as this was to Travis, it seems compounded by talking to his good friend and hearing how anxious he was to meet me, and coming to terms with how no matter how mutual that connection was it's never going to amount to anything. I'm so sorry Trav...I wanted so badly to be there for you.

To bed....athlete medical at 8am, a moot point now for volleyball...and can I even properly commit to track and make something real of it? I don't know - I've cubbyholed myself into this varsity athlete mentality for 4 years now and don't know what I'd do without it, even as a crutch. Guess I sort of know how my sister feels now.

We'll see what the morning brings - a new song or the same lament?